I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
