i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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