pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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