I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
