remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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