My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
