I accidentally burped into my bong.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
