One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
