i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
