I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i dont even know how to be here
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
