I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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