so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
