Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
