what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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