Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
