I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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