Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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