I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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