My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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