He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dicks are not precious.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
