I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
