a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
