the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
