this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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