I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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