chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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