Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to calm my uterus...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
