We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
