he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
