ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i need some magic done to my vagina
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
