That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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