Porn is love you can see.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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