I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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