threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
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let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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