What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
