She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
