The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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