a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
