he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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