Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
