I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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