Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
