I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize