If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You left your phone here
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