I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
