He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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