I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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