No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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