Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
