I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Welp...herpes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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