I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
