ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.