I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.