If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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