Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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