Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
