I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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