I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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