no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
