Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
